Your life is an exercise in balance. How close to rock-bottom can you hover without ever actually getting there? This is a question you strive to answer every day as you make your way clumsily through life. It’s a question that underlines all the decisions you make, both big and small, from who to date to how to manage your meager finances to what poisonous substances to consume. It’s what keeps you up at night and what feeds your generalized anxiety disorder as well as your myriad, troubling addictions. This question is really the ultimate goal of your whole life.

Lucky for you, Fraudulent Living is here to show you the way. The true way. The way of the neurotic, self-obsessed, success-avoiding loser. It’s time to quit pussyfooting around and do this for real.

That’s right, “pussyfooting.”

Welcome to Fraudulent Living.

Monday, January 12, 2009

One last (hopefully) note on public crying

After months of shameless flirting and confessions of crushes and liking, when the person you're ridiculously smitten with (who claims to reciprocate) ultimately rejects you in favor of their current or ex significant other, make sure you get caught tearing up in a thrift store because the song "Someday" by Mariah Carey is playing over the loudspeakers, and you're sure every single word was written for you. About them.

Also, consider asking the half-derelict people who work there to please turn off the goddamn radio, please, because don't they realize how that song could really upset some people?

P.S. After leaving the thrift store, notice that there's a cut on your hand and panic for the next few days about how you caught a horrible disease through that cut from the clothes, which probably all belonged to highly contagious, now-dead people.

1 comment:

glomgold said...

I'd better youtube this Mariah Carey song so I'll be ready when this scenario plays out for me. Plan B will be Rod Stewart's version of "Some Guys Have All the Luck".