When you're actually sick

Every now and then you will become actually sick. This means you will have actual verifiable symptoms that even other people can detect. You won't need to feel the nodes in your neck or take your temperature because there will be no doubt that you're truly sick. So what do you do in these times?

You might think, since you spend most of your time worrying about being sick, that when it actually strikes you should take a little joy in the fact that it's finally true. Maybe revel in it a little. Take some time off work. Watch movies in bed and drink tea.

That all sounds nice, but in reality, if you're living fraudulently, being actually sick is horrible and you should do anything to avoid dealing with it. This means telling everyone that you're not sick (for once) and that you just have allergies. When they ask what kind of allergies make you look like a dead person, say "seasonal." It's always one season or another, so this is always true.

Also, use remedies that sound homespun and false. The best one of these is the old "alcohol will kill the germs". Tell this to yourself and drink up. 5 or 6 Hot Toddies later and you actually WILL feel better. Whether this is from killing the invading germ cells or killing your own cells doesn't really matter at that point. You should also take NyQuil or other over-the-counter night time medicines. Don't worry about the warning that you shouldn't take with alcohol. That's directed to people who care about things like not passing out at the dinner table or forgetting how to talk in the middle of a sentence. Not you. 

Doctors say you should get a lot of sleep, but following doctors' orders is pretty much giving in to being sick. So if you do sleep in, tell yourself it's because you deserved 15.5 hours of sleep, not because you needed it. 

Pretty soon, you'll be back to feeling normal and can go on with your life of worrying about being sick with real illnesses like lymphoma or mercury poisoning.