How to have the best credit ever

This piece of advice might end up outdated pretty soon since we may all be living on whatever food we can grow in our cigarette butt-strewn back alleys and dirtless balconies due to the Economic Crisis. But, assuming life doesn't take a Mad Max turn, here are some suggestions on how to manage your finances.

So you're spending $100/month on a gym membership you never use. This is a good first step, but there's probably a lot more money in your paycheck that needs to be put to use. First thing you should do is figure out exactly how much money you have to spend. So take your paycheck amount and subtract however many $30 overdraft fees you probably incurred during your last pay cycle. Just never, ever look at your actual bank account balance to do this. That's way too depressing. Instead, just guestimate. And the way you know that guestimation works is because it's a made-up compound word that sounds funny. Think about it. When has anything like that ever led you astray?

Next step is to stock up on the necessities. You're going to need food and vice supplies. If you like to cook, you should go to the store and buy a lot of perishable fruits, vegetables and meat. Throwing them all out in six months when you can't stand the smell anymore will be a great source of catharsis.

Whatever happens, make sure you have enough liquor and cigarettes or whatever it is you use to get through the week before you start thinking about utility bills. The electric and gas companies will let you go for months without paying before they start shutting off your lights. And, worst case scenario is that you're getting drunk and eating take-out in the dark. This is almost preferable to doing it in the light, right?

Use your credit cards when you get in a pinch. And by a "pinch" I mean "whenever you want something." They gave you a limit for a reason. Not reaching it would be failing to reach your true potential.

The absolute best part of living this way is that each and every payday will become a sacred day. A day you've looked forward to desperately since 3 days from the last one. Life gains more worth when you give yourself tiny goals to reach. Surviving until two Fridays from now seems as worthy a goal as any.