Work!

Speaking of money, you should, in fact, have a job from which you obtain that money. You might think that unemployment sounds like the perfect method of fraudulent living, but that's only true when it's sporadic and a result of your own indecisiveness as to what the hell you're doing with your life. Actually, it's crucial that you have a job that is completely socially irresponsible and trite and never pays as much as you think it should but actually pays much more than you deserve for what you actually do. If your job is in an industry that actually hurts society in some way, even better (example: advertising).

For our purposes, finding the perfect job means never finding the perfect job, and probably not even knowing what the perfect job is. Your job should be a result of your having skimmed around on Craigslist or Monster and finally applying to the least-worst-sounding thing you can find, or the one you think you can fake best. Five years later, you should be sitting at your desk thinking about what you do and saying, "Wow, I didn't see this coming." And based on the schools you attended and your scholastic record, no one should have seen this coming. Your job should be a total letdown to everyone who ever expected anything of you. Also, 90% of that job should be spent indulging your own hypochondria, depression, and need to check Facebook (which you at some point refused to join and then became more active in than anyone else you know) until you begin to sicken yourself with how meaningless your existence is.

At this point, you should begin staying up till 3 or 4 in the morning every night in defiance of the fact that you have to work. You should torturously drag yourself through the workday not caring about your work. You should quit victoriously, telling yourself you're going to get a job that's important, that you care about, that helps humanity, or that you even sort of like.

Then, three months later, after being a shut in and panicking about money, you should start applying to every horrible-sounding job you can find and accept one that pays slightly less than before, in which you do exactly what you did in your last job because you have no qualifications to do anything else.