Tallying your accomplishments

As you well know by now, you have no real accomplishments to speak of. When people you haven't seen in five years ask you things like, "What have you been up to?" you generally have no good answer for them, because "I've been trying not to 'accidentally' drown myself in the shower" doesn't impress anyone. Every once in awhile, you might dig up something like, "I moved recently" or "I started a new job" or "I bought a new TV," but these aren't accomplishments, they're just sad, trite things to say so that the two of you don't stare at each other blankly once the question is out there hanging in the air like an accusation.

Basically, your life should revolve around obtaining an answer to this most horrible of questions. However, you should resign yourself to knowing the best you can hope for is finding an answer that has great kitsch value. Because you'll find that when you live fraudulently, kitsch value is interchangeable with actual value. In your fraudulent universe, you'll find that statements like "I saw Theo Huxtable the other day" will garner you as much admiration as "I isolated the gene that determines whether or not a baby will get schizophrenia." In some situations, "I've been considering joining Scientology" may even trump "I invented a street-legal flying car." The best part is that these things involve no accomplishment whatsoever on your part; they just require your looking at or thinking about something. And then, the next time you run into someone who wants to know what you've been doing with your life, you'll receive copious fake admiration for your copious fake accomplishments, and then you don't have to see that person again for another five years, when hopefully the Olsen twins will have rear-ended your car at the supermarket.