Your taste in things: Part I

You're pretty sure your taste in things is great. This means your movies, your music, your books, your food preferences, and the people with whom you associate. However, you realize you're also a sucker for things that automatically make you not cool. This includes anything mainstream and not critically acclaimed, anything too critically acclaimed, anything more than one in ten people on the street has heard of, and people who are socially incompetent in the wrong way (ie, socially incompetent AND unattractive). Knowing this, you should fully doubt your taste in everything, and when someone asks you "What movies have you seen recently?" your answers should be as studied as the Bible, and just as empty.

When it comes to movies, you can pretty safely mention anything foreign/made by a foreign director (This includes Uwe Boll, because he falls into the "so bad it's good" category, which is also almost universally acceptable as an answer and gives you bonus points for being hilarious.), unless it was a mainstream Hollywood movie made in English. So Pan's Labyrinth (critically acclaimed movie made in Spanish by Guillermo del Toro)=okay, whereas Hellboy (Hollywood blockbuster made in English by Guillermo del Toro)=not okay. The more obscure and/or older the movie, the better. You're also permitted to name documentaries, unless it's something mainstream like Supersize Me, which will only bring scorn from people who consider themselves aspiring documentarians and will gripe for minutes about how what's-his-face lucked out. If you have to talk about contemporary American filmmakers, you should talk about PT Anderson and how he's getting better and then Wes Anderson and how he's getting worse. Then you should mention Ingmar Bergman or the Maysles, and someone in the room will collapse in seizures with pretentious pleasure.

When it comes to music, you should never ever admit what you really listen to. For instance, even though you love Radiohead, you simply can't say you love Radiohead, because it will bring one of two responses: people will either think you're just saying it because everyone says it, or people will scorn you for liking this band that everyone loves and is thus obviously overrated. The only discussion you're allowed to have about Radiohead is concerning which album is your favorite, and then you should make some controversial choice, like Pablo Honey, which will make people think you're clever because it's so obviously not their best album that you must be fucking brilliant to say so. Your best bet is to name local underground bands no one's ever heard of, the more diametrically opposed to Coldplay the better. If you have to name anything remotely mainstream, it should be something like Death Cab for Cutie, and then you have to mention that you liked them about 8 years before they were ever on The OC. Then you should gripe about how you can't ever go to their concerts anymore because there's too many poseurs around. Also, you must never tell people that, say, Dashboard Confessional is your favorite band ever. Accept that it's your secret shame and move on with your life.

To be continued (for real this time, promise)