Online dating

At some point in your life you will decide that it's time to put pictures of yourself on a website in the sad hope that someone will see them and want to marry you. By this point you will have probably had several failed relationships under your belt and have grown tired of meeting new people for awkward first dates that don't do anything but aggravate your acid reflux and confirm your conviction that most other people suck even worse than you do. So you figure, hey, maybe I can do all the awkward first-date stuff online, from the comfort of my sad apartment, in my pajamas, with a shamefully emptying bottle of wine.

You should try to put your best-looking pictures up, but since you hate the way you look in every single photo of you, you should instead choose the photos of you where you're making weird faces or where you look mentally crippled. You think that putting these up shows people that you're funny and not shallow enough to care too much about looks. But really what this shows people is that you're ugly.

You also need to fill out a profile of information about yourself. There will probably be several different questions to answer, all of them differing slightly depending on which website you're using. But pretty much all of them will have one very vague, open-ended topic for you to write on which will just say "About me." You should take this opportunity to either talk about how you hate writing about yourself, to say something completely asinine, or to totally rip on yourself. You think this shows people how witty and irreverent you are. But really, what this shows people is how horribly insecure and possibly dangerous you are.

Now all that's left to do is sit and wait for responses. You should obsessively refresh your inbox at this point. You should also minimize the window and purposely do something else on your computer, like look through your iTunes music list, for what seems to you like a really long time but in reality was 11 seconds, and then go back to your inbox. When this becomes too frustrating to deal with, you should start looking at other people's profiles and sending out blind emails to them. You should also start sending messages to people that you don't find attractive in the least just to prove to yourself how awful you must be when even these people don't message you back.

If you have any Xanax, now is the time to take two of these and hope there's enough wine left in the bottle to wash them down.