Sex

Yeah, you knew this was coming. We've skirted around this topic for months now. But this sort of evasion on our part is really pretty appropriate considering what your attitude toward sex should be. Sex may have something to do with a lot of your daily life, but yet it should never actually be something that really happens in any meaningful way.

The main thing you should always remember is that sex is bad and you're a really bad person for having it. Well, it's not that sex itself is bad, but the sex that you have is bad. Other people can have regular, healthy sex. They can even do the exact same things in bed as what you do. But for some reason what they're doing is hot and normal and what you're doing can only bring evil.

A lot of this has to do with your crippling hypochondria. The result of this sex you're having is going to include a disease of some kind. You just know it. It doesn't matter if you use a condom on every part of your exposed skin. It also doesn't matter that you've never caught a disease from anyone before in any other sexual situation. This time you're gonna get it. AIDS, The Clap, crabs, a flu, flesh-eating bacteria, frostbite, lyme disease, viral hepatitis and SARS should all cross your mind as possibilities. And the next few days should be spent checking your bits incessantly for discharge.

When you're actually having sex, don't bother trying to not look upset. Your partner will probably just view it as a contorted face of pleasure rather than you wondering if it's possible to get Feline AIDS from the cat dander on the sheets.

Basically, you should view sex like doing your taxes. You should avoid it until you can't anymore; and you should always hope it's going to come out in your favor but be prepared for the eventuality that you're going to pay.