Compliments

Every once in awhile, you may find yourself in the position of having accomplished something trivial, like putting on nonugly clothes or finishing the task you were supposed to do. Sometimes you accidentally smile at a person walking by because you're having an entertaining conversation with yourself in your head and shamefully made yourself crack up in a public space. You should avoid doing these things, because they may lead to your becoming the recipient of a compliment, and you would easily rather blow up your city and its surrounding suburbs than have this happen.

Receiving a compliment, no matter how small, should make you feel like a terrified bird in a cage who starts flapping around in a frenzy, and who finally flees the cage and bolts towards the great outdoors only to find there's a window in the way, and you've smacked straight into it. When your coworker, in an attempt to make small talk, says something like, "Oh, that's a nice scarf," you should automatically reply with an excuse for why you don't deserve credit. You might mutter, "My friend who's really good at picking things out got it for me as a present because she hates all my clothes." There's really nothing they can add to this conversation. Crisis somewhat averted.

Sometimes you might receive a more personal compliment. If a friend or future ex tells you how great you look, you should reply with a quick, "Fuck you and everyone you love." If a stranger or acquaintance does this, you should debate for many awkward seconds over whether to reply with a dishonest, "You look good too," or stand there and give them a point-by-point argument of why they're wrong. You should do this often and even when you know you're pissing off the people complimenting you, even when you agree, and even when you know they don't care.

Rarely, possibly mistakenly, you will get an extreme and overly personal compliment for things you care about, like your homemade wax sculptures of '70s-era Elliot Gould. "Man, I have to tell you - you are really talented at making wax sculptures of '70s-era Elliot Gould. Maybe better than anyone I know," a friend will say, quietly and with respect, as your internal organs implode with horror and panic. In this situation, your best bet is to change the subject to spelunking or begin your oratory on Elliot Gould's later years in a lightheaded rush, ignoring the comment and failing to make eye contact with your friend for the next half-hour. The whole time, you'll want to offer a sincere compliment on something you've always thought was great about your friend, but you'll decide ultimately that anything you say now will sound phony, and that you're obviously only saying it because they said something nice to you, and if you ever say anything nice to them ever again, they'll see that you're doing it only for reciprocation. Then you should never hang out with them again.

As a general rule, remember this: You're incapable of accepting compliments, so act as if every one is an attack against babies, kittens, and grandmothers who bake cakes for everyone.