Your addictions

While you are probably not a heroine addict yet (though you assume it will happen someday...someday), you should have collected a number of sad little addictions by this point in your life. Alcohol is certainly one of them, but you don't count it as an addiction so much as the method in which your body obtains life-sustaining water. Maybe you have a little thing for over-the-counter cold medication, which makes you somewhat woozy, which makes your day slightly less intolerable. Maybe you have a compulsive need to go out and buy things every night in order to spend the money you make at the job you hate, throwing it away like it's blood money, and you can't stand the sight of it. The most important addiction for fraudulence, though, is a life-wasting, disgusting addiction to the Internet.

Your Internet addiction should be such that when you finally lie on your deathbed, your main regret in life is that you spent 70% of it online. In other words, all of the time you spend not sleeping should be spent online looking at, oh, videos of people accidentally hurting themselves, nostalgic items you could buy on eBay, and, of course, social networking sites. The rest of the time, you have no idea what you just looked at for the past two hours, or else you just refreshed your email a hundred times to see if you had new messages from friends you never actually talk to anymore in person or even on the phone. Your friendships should be at the point where, if one of your friends uses a fake name on their social networking page, you forget what their real name is.

Even when you do manage to tear yourself away to go use the restroom or actually venture out to a place where you're required to put on pants, you find yourself incredibly anxious until you get home and can check your email (no, you have no new email) and update your status, telling everyone about the minor car accident you just witnessed. And if there goes a day where, holy shit, you are actually unable to access the Internet because the wireless connection you steal is down or because you've been forced into going on a road trip, your anxiety levels should reach the point where you actually feel like your head is going to explode and you're in a surreal state of existential lostness. When you finally manage to get online again, you should be like a man in a desert oasis, drinking greedily until you've checked every single site you've ever visited in your life. Then you should sit around feeling ashamed.