Depression

If you really think about it and compare it to other people, your normal state of mind is likely one of depression. Pretty much all the time. But it's not the kind of "big D" Depression that you see in the anti-depressant commercials where you're sitting on the couch in your sweats with a look of constipation on your face and a dog on the other side of the room that wants nothing to do with you. See, even your depression is fraudulent because, in all likelihood, everyone thinks you're a goddamn jolly asshole. Or at least a somewhat manic but well-put-together human citizen.

Your depression is most-decidedly "small d" and all on the inside and the only times you really let it show are those regrettable moments when you're drunk and someone happens to ask you a personal question that you would normally dodge but this time you vomit out some poisonous story from your past in horrific detail that leaves everyone who hears it, including you, reeling. You will immediately afterward realize what an awful thing you just did and find some way to backpedal out of it, like maybe by saying "But that was years ago and I'm totally on medication now." Or maybe by saying "Just kidding."

You should be pretty attached to your depression by now, because it feels like a warm blanket. A warm blanket covered in smallpox, but a warm blanket nonetheless. So when a doctor recommends that you go on anti-depressants or some other type of psychoactive drug, you should refuse and convince her and yourself that you are completely fine. You like your warm blanket and you should fight and snarl like an abused dog if someone threatens to take it away.

After some time you will give in and start taking this medication and realize that you didn't really ever need it because what was making you depressed isn't inside you, it's actually the rest of the world. You should then stop taking the medicine cold turkey, act like a dick for about a week until you come off of it, and then join another online dating site.