Happiness!!!

All your life, you think you've been striving for happiness. Happiness has been your undefined, ultimate goal, where everything will be great for forever and ever and ever with little to no effort. But because you know this state is impossible, happiness is your enemy, in the way that depression, by giving you an excuse to hide under the covers and do nothing, is your best friend. Your attempts at happiness should be flushed down the toilet like an unwanted prom-night baby. Real happiness would mean you'd have to go out and do something with your life because depression wasn't holding you back anymore. Real happiness, to you, would mean waiting for all your happiness to collapse and leave you curled in a ball on the floor mumbling, "Why?!"

If you must go looking for happiness, make sure you look in all the wrong places, like Bed, Bath & Beyond. Here, you'll find your sudden obsession with soft towels can be momentarily sated by paying $11 for a decently nice towel. Then, when you take a shower and use it for the first time, you can think, "Wow, this is soft!" Then you'll think, "Wait, I just paid $11 for a towel?" Your momentary not-unhappiness will be balanced out by your confusion over why you wasted your money, and things can continue on like normal after the incident is over. Another wrong place to look is any fast food restaurant, where you'll pretend french fries will give you happiness, not a raging stomachache after eating two fries.

The truth is, if you live fraudulently, you should never let yourself be overly happy, unless it's for a short moment, and only if it's to show how awful the rest of your life is in comparison. Because as dreadful as a constant, dull, droning existence is, you never really get to see its full glory until you've had that brief moment where you made eyes with the hot stranger from a distance, and for once they made eyes at you simultaneously, and then you got closer and realized the hot stranger was really Don Knotts, only less appealing. At that point you're able to look over the bigger picture and tell yourself, "Oh! Yeah... This is really for shit." And then, as time goes on, you'll find yourself trying to re-create that moment of joy, and the contrast will grow deeper until you finally find that you've fallen secretly in love with Don Knotts, even though he's not attractive and no longer alive.