Your drugs

Remember that section in To Kill a Mockingbird where Jem has to go read to the crotchety old woman as punishment, and later on Atticus tells him that the old woman wanted to get off her dependence on morphine before she died so she wouldn't be beholden to anything, and how she was strongest person Atticus ever knew? Well, that has nothing to do with you. On any given day, your bloodstream should be something like 24% ibuprofen/acetaminophen, 24% antacids, 24% caffeine, and 24% allergy medications. (The other 4% should be just enough blood to nurture and circulate your undoubtedly innumerable blood diseases.) This ratio of drugs is what keeps you alive and functioning, so god forbid you attempt to stop depending on any one of them. Because here's the thing about drugs: they're just plain great. They make you feel better and/or make you pass out so you don't feel pain. So as long as you don't suffer from dignity like old Mrs. Whatsherface, there's no reason to stop taking them.

Keeping your fragile body pumped full of drugs is easy: When you first wake up in the morning after your Benedryl-induced night's sleep, grab a large cup of espresso-based coffee and down an antacid with it to help with the heartburn that your incredibly strong coffee will probably cause. If you put off drinking coffee for more than an hour after waking up, make sure you swallow some Advil with your eventual three cups of coffee to stop the headache you're pretty sure you'll be getting soon but haven't actually gotten yet. After looking out the window to see if any trees, animals, or other plant life still exist in the world, take a Claritin to stave off your inevitable pollen allergies (or, in the winter, your lack-of-pollen allergies). If you find you have a slight sniffle, assume that you're getting a cold and take some cold & sinus medication too. The nice is that you'll end up pleasantly woozy, which makes your work day that much more surreal and less painful. To you, drugs shouldn't be about curing pain. They're desperate preventative maintenance based on your fear of all things that might make you physically uncomfortable.

With that said, even though you love drugs, you should confusingly harbor a deep, deep resentment towards drugs that might actually help you cope with life, like antidepressants. As you torture your friends and doctors with stories of how miserable you are, be sure to deliver soapbox speeches about how antidepressants will kill your creativity. Also, even though you constantly argue that everyone else is a bunch of chemical reactions, antidepressants will prove that this fact applies to you as well. When someone inevitably makes the totally invalid point that other drugs you take must also affect your mood, raise your voice angrily and insist it's not the same thing at all. Then go ahead and insult their mother. Later, after downing a beer and someone else's Vicodin, cry apologetically, tell everyone in the room how much you love them, even if you just met them, then pass out with your face in the salsa bowl.