Disasters and you

Because every new day is just a subtly different shade of awful from the last, you long for something new and exciting. Maybe at one point you also included the word "better" next to "new and exciting," but now you don't really care. Better, worse, whatever...just something different.

This is why you secretly hope for disasters. This is why if you're ever in a devastating earthquake it will be the best day of your life. With buildings literally falling down around you and people screaming and running, you'll be almost unable to hide your smile. It's not that you want people to be hurt. It just happens to often be an unfortunate side effect of your joy. Generally.

Other disasters in which you'll find shameful happiness are hurricanes, terrorist attacks and financial collapses. Again, it's important to note that you don't take joy in other people being hurt, killed, financially ruined, or whatever else. But since the only thing you're really good at is surviving in the most literal sense of the word (i.e. continuing to be alive), a world in which that skill is suddenly valued and necessary is super appealing.

So it follows, then, that the best possible disaster you could ever hope for is a zombie apocalypse. Nothing would please and excite your fraudulent little heart more than being able to walk down a street with a shotgun and a bat, shooting former people in the face and fearing for your life at every moment. No more credit card debt, no more work, no more school, no more burdens. Just you, your survival skills, and a horde of hungry, shambling zombies. 

Of course, the only problem with all of this is that you have no actual survival skills, have never fired a gun in your life, and would likely be dead or a zombie within the first day. This is okay, though, because you're already pretty used to stumbling around half-dead and spreading your horrible diseases.