More on Hypochondria

More on Hypochondria.

We've already talked a bit below about how and when hypochondria should strike in a normal situation. It also merits discussing a little bit about how you can keep it going to ensure you remain in a hypochondria fear spiral for as long as possible. Maybe even indefinitely.

When you notice that you're dying of an illness because you read about it on Wikipedia or heard second-hand about someone who had it, some very important things take place in your body. Let's take the example of an inoperable brain tumor. Once you decide you obviously have one, your body will back you up by giving you things like headaches, vision problems and the inability to think coherently. It doesn't matter that these symptoms are caused by the stress you're putting yourself under by planning how you're going to tell everyone that you're dying, these symptoms should line up pretty much identically with the ones you read about on WebMD. (Note: WebMD is a MUST-HAVE for all hypochondriacs and should probably be your home page.)

When the actual physical symptoms start rolling in, this is the perfect time to indulge them and start taking your body temperature at least 8 times a day. Anything above or below 98.6 degrees should deeply alarm you and also confirm your self diagnosis. Feeling your glands in your neck at least 15 times a day is also really crucial, because the more you massage them, the more inflamed they become. If you have a slight cold, this is even better, because your glands will stay inflamed sometimes for months just by rubbing them every spare chance you get. Rashes are also a great thing to flip out about, because they are also a key indicator of viral infections. (It's true, look it up. Go on. You know you want to.)

If at all possible, call out from work during these episodes so that you can spend all day pacing your apartment in fear. If your primary care physician tells you that he will no longer draw blood from you to test it for AIDS or liver cirrhosis, remember that there are free clinics that will do this for a lot longer before they catch on to your abuse of the system.

And always, ALWAYS remember that SOMEONE has to be that 1 in 100,000,000 who gets the disease that way. Why can't that someone be you?