Earth Day, belated

You act like you don't really care about any worthy causes, but you sort of do, secretly. Even though this is mostly out of guilt, it's still something. However, at the same time, you can barely be bothered to bathe on weekends or to eat things that are not made of candy, so the chances of you doing something for a cause outside of yourself are roughly the same as those of getting struck by lightning (unless you're in your bed eating ice cream with a metal spoon during a lightning storm, in which case your chances of being hit by lightning increase to roughly 100%).

Earth Day is one of these things that will (and just did) pass you by completely unawares. You were probably told about it at the end of the day, and then made some half-hearted attempt at recycling a bottle or turning off a light, while congratulating yourself for being so green. Truthfully, though, you wouldn't even make the sacrifice of turning off your computer an hour before you usually do to save energy unless you were actually compelled to do so by law. The only way you'll contribute to ecological efforts is by accident -- like by not having a car when you live in New York City, or being too poor to afford an air conditioner for your sweltering apartment. Still you'll shake your own fraudulent hand in secret for being so environmentally friendly, knowing full well that if someone gave you a free air conditioner that was made by Taiwanese slave children and actually worked by stealing delicious, freezing-cold ozone from the atmosphere and replacing it with soot, you'd install it and not ever think about it again.

At some point, you'll begin to see that there actually isn't anything you can do that will help the Earth, and that if it's really come to the point where your actions would make a measurable difference, we're all deeply, deeply doomed. This should liberate you somewhat from a little of your guilt, replacing it with a satisfying dread of the upcoming apocalypse. You should then start to live your life in defiance of the Earth. You should actively choose to throw your empty cans into the trash rather than the recycling bin that's literally one foot away from it. You should also drive your car, if you own one, to places that are so nearby that it actually takes you longer to get into your car, start it, drive there and park than it would to have walked there, thereby truly sticking it to the man (Al Gore). Essentially, you should strive for the largest carbon footprint you possibly can, and begin to think of it as the only legacy you'll leave behind when you die.