Communication

As you get older and inevitably develop anthropophobia without realizing it, your methods of communication should begin to depend solely on your writing skills and ability to deliver one-liners rather than your abilities to speak or show correct facial expressions. To start, make sure you slowly wean people off of calling you on the phone. An easy way to do this is by never actually answering your phone or checking your voicemail (which might compel you to call back if there's some sort of near-death emergency). When someone does call, text them back immediately with a "What's up?" If you accidentally answer your phone, make sure you cut the conversation short by quickly mentioning how you're almost out of minutes for the month or how you have a burning roast in the oven. Do this every time the same person calls; they'll eventually learn, the way rubbing a puppy's nose in its own poop will teach it to stop defecating on your kitschy new thrift-store couch.

Eventually, your friends and loved ones will become aware that the only way to reach you is via texting or by seeking out any online presence you have. Your real friends will have an instant messenger account; these are the people who will remain your friends and the only people with whom you'll ever communicate in real time again. If anyone else has either a Facebook, Twitter, or similar account on a website where you also have a profile, they should be taught to leave you public messages there, which will not only make you feel popular, thereby sating your deep-seated, pathetic desire for fame, but can also be easily ignored by your claiming you haven't logged in for days. This is, of course, not true, because you log in every ten minutes, but if you're ignoring someone, you have to be careful and not post updates until you feel compelled to answer this person.

But what do you do when you meet a new person who hasn't been taught to avoid you completely? It seems like this could be a problem, but it's not. First of all, you probably met this person online anyway, because you should never be going out and meeting real people in real life. This means that they also have little to no experience speaking or gesturing, unless staring at a computer screen has given them a nervous eye twitch that resembles emoting. This also means they'll never want to call or hang out in person either. Eventually, you'll add each other as friends on Facebook. This is handy for several reasons: Now you can communicate your minute goings-on to everyone at once without actually writing to a single person. You can also test your new friend's devotion by tallying how many responses or thumbs up they give your photos and status updates.

The very best part is you'll never have to write one another again; you can watch each other's updates and event attendings and tragic deaths of pets without having to put forth any effort apart from looking. And when you're finally killed in that freak accident by a falling street light, you'll have one more fake friend mourning your death by posting, "Holy shit! WTF?!!" when they respond to the obituary on your wall. And for you, even though you'll be dead, this one post will help justify your entire existence.