Cinco de Mayo!

This "holiday" is a great excuse to get drunk (if you still find yourself needing those). It's also a time when you'll be forced to socialize. Thank god the only place you feel remotely comfortable socializing is in a bar. And that's only because you're liquored up. All your other social interaction should take place behind a computer screen, where you feel safe being who you really are (i.e. a total asshole).

When you're at the bar, if you're alone, make sure you stand with your arms crossed and your head down. By no means should you ever look approachable, friendly, or like you even speak English. Anyone who sees you and mistakes you for someone attractive should be discouraged from approaching you by your body language and general aura of "I don't fucking want to be here." While this is going on, make sure you constantly have a drink that you're sipping. As soon as you finish one, go to the bar and get another. This will make you look like you're doing something. It will also make you drunk.

You may overhear a conversation to which you think you can maybe contribute. Only do this if you can satisfy at least two of the following criteria:

1) You are drunk

2) You will possibly offend someone with what you'd like to say

3) You see an opportunity to explain the true meaning of Cinco de Mayo

If possible, you should let as many people as possible know that Cinco de Mayo isn't really Mexican Independence Day. Since you don't know what it really is, and since no one will remember anything you've said tomorrow, make up a fantastical story for Cinco de Mayo about lost cities of gold and Aztecs. You should also throw in a reference to Cortez or Zapatistas, because that will make it sound authentic. Then you can say, "Just kidding. Cinco de Mayo is the Mexican phrase for May 5th." 

By the end of the evening, you should have met several people whose names are now as lost to you as your dignity. You should also have consumed enough tequila to kill an American buffalo, which we all know from Planet Earth is the world's largest and most dangerous mammal, with teeth made of dynamite and a fur coat composed entirely of sulfuric acid and killer bees. The buffalo was almost hunted to extinction by the very same Indians who would soon learn Spanish and the Bible in a misguided attempt to civilize themselves, which tragically backfired when instead they became Mexicans.  Your trip home should be hazy, at best (especially if you're driving). You should fall into bed, alone as usual, and pass out into what could easily be a true coma. When you wake on the morning of May 6th, your whole body should feel as diseased and broken as your spirit. You should vow to never even say the word "tequila" again, secretly knowing that the word "margarita" is still totally in play.