Revenge

In your varied dealings with other people, you'll find along the way that someone may rip your heart out and bake it into a pie that makes the cat throw up, or stab your beloved parent, or just sort of really rub you the wrong way at work by constantly stealing your stapler without asking. When these sorts of things occur, the right thing to do is to plan and exact horrific revenge. Now, different problems require different solutions, but the primary thing to remember is that your plan should always either backfire or possibly put you, and not the person you're revenging upon, in danger.

So what sorts of revenge options are available to you? First of all, living well is not the best revenge. Actually, it might be, but living well is not an option for you, specifically. For an alternative, let's look at a scenario: You're driving and a car cuts you off, or someone behind you has honked unjustifiably. They might very well have been honking to warn you about the toddler on the training bike you're about to run over, but it doesn't matter. Another driver has ruined your day and spiked your blood pressure up until you're half-blind with rage. Your natural instinct now should be to follow them and try to make them fear for their lives, even if it means you're missing your job interview or the birth of your child. If you're on a highway, make sure you keep zooming right in front of them, then stepping on your brakes to make them rear-end you, because your being rear-ended and getting whiplash will show them. Or you can drive up alongside them and flip them off over and over again, despite the fact that they're not looking, and in your desperate attempts to get them to look, you should end up rear-ending the driver in front of you, because that will also show them. Alternately, you can roll down your windows and throw gummi bears at their car furiously. Whatever it is you do, make sure no one learns any lessons from the incident.

Now let's look at a different example: You've broken up with your significant other-type person, and you want them to slip and fall Three Stooges-style into a pot of rusty knives and oil. Revenge options worthy of Satan should go through your head for days or possibly weeks, like writing, "You suck!!!" on the wall of their Facebook page (the problem being that you deleted them as your friend the second you broke up (this should have been your first devilish revenge)). Then you should go on a few dates or at least hook up with your ex's best friend or enemy, whom you don't find remotely attractive, and who will give you more imaginary STDs to layer upon your existing imaginary (but probably real) STDs. After plotting several levels of death and writing numerous insulting emails you don't send (or possibly send while drunk or pretending to be drunk) that only make you look stupid, you should finally fall into depressive despair and forget to eat, eventually getting sick. While lying in bed half-conscious, you'll realize that your illness and inevitable death are clearly the best revenge, because you should be deluding yourself into thinking your ex still cares about you. Also, your ex has no idea that you're sick and dying anyway, but you're pretty sure someone will tell them about the funeral, and that's when you'll be vindicated.

When it comes to less urgent daily matters, make sure that you internalize your anger at your annoying coworkers or work extra hard until you give yourself an ulcer, because your pleasant demeanor and hardy work ethic will surely prove to them once and for all that they suck, which, in the end, is the only real revenge you've got.