Hypochondria

This topic is crucial in fraudulent living and will require many, many posts. It may even deserve its own blog. But at F. Living, it's painful enough trying to get one measly post done a week, so clearly it is too much of you to ask for another. So stop asking. Like wolves, you are, with the asking.

HYPOCHONDRIA

So...hypochondria. Hypochondria is a key step to failure. It generally should kick in when you're close to reaching a lofty goal, or perhaps when you've already, briefly, reached it and experienced the glory that can be your life. It's at that moment, when living seems most golden, that you will probably see a headline warning that AIDS has increased 30% in the past two years, and you will suddenly convince yourself that yes, you have AIDS. And everything is over. Even worse, by already having shared a sundae with friends, you've spread the disease to everyone you care about.

And now you would kill for last week, when everything was briefly beautiful, because now all you can think about is the fact that you have an incurable disease, and everything you've nearly accomplished is tainted by this fact. In fact, everything that was good is now a slap in the face, because its joy been so deftly taken away.

The best part about being a hypochondriac is knowing that you're a hypochondriac but submitting to its wiles anyway. Because of course this is going to be the one time that you're not making it up. Yes, you're clever at fooling yourself into disease, but the fact that you're ASYMPTOMATIC obviously means that you are in the early stages of the disease. Also, you cut your lip the other day, and it is NOT HEALING. Because your white blood cells are fucked. You are fucked. Who the crap cares if you're in the finalist stages of the short story contest when you've shown who you really are by contracting a deadly disease? No one is going to be talking about your successes at your poorly attended funeral. They will be whispering to each other, "Is it true he died of...?"

And yes, it will be true. Because this is the one time it's not in your head.