Public bathrooms and you

The problem with you, besides everything else, is that you worry so much you probably have a really awesomely fucked up stomach. You should basically be, at this point, so extremely gastrointestinally screwed that you will develop a minor panic attack any time you don't know where the nearest clean bathroom is. If you live in a city like NYC where there are virtually no public bathrooms except for the ones with queues outside of them in Starbucks that smell like a werewolf just had an abortion inside, then this will make daily life for you almost unlivable.

So, let's say you're out and about and the unthinkable happens--you have an urgent need to use the bathroom (for purposes other than to cry) and you don't know where one is. The first thing you should do is completely panic. You should start sweating profusely and your eyes should begin darting crazily around your field of vision. You should also begin to mutter to yourself. By this point, any person passing by that sees you should figure you are in the middle of a psychotic break.

Next, you need to find a bathroom. Make your way toward the nearest place of business that seems likely to have a public restroom. If you're lucky enough to be near a Target or K-Mart or something like that, you're golden. These places always have large public bathrooms that are totally covered in urine but functional. If not, and you find that your only option is a nearby restaurant, the best thing to do is to compose yourself and act like you're meeting your party at the back of the restaurant. Walk right in, look straight ahead, and make your way directly to the back where, please god, the bathroom has to be.

Once you're in the public bathroom, this is when the fun really starts. If anyone at all walks in, you have to stop. No matter what point you are at in the process. No one can hear your shameful bodily functions. Even if this means you are literally doubled over in pain, your face resting on the putrid bathroom stall wall, and every inch of your body begging for death, you must never, ever let anyone else hear you poop. Ever.

If you make it out of this alive, you deserve a treat. Go to McDonald's and eat a Big Mac and some french fries and a shake and then act surprised when you do this all over again in 45 minutes.