Family

If you still have any family left that's alive and speaking to you, then you will on occasion have to interact with them. Usually, this happens around the holidays. But there are other times when you'll be forced, obligated or guilted into dealing with them. Here are some acceptable reasons for reaching out to your family.

You need money. You really, really need it. You just got laid off, maybe. Or perhaps the $19.00 that Netflix is about to automatically take from you is going to overdraft your bank account. Or maybe you owe money to someone who has threatened to hurt you if you don't pay it back. Whatever the reason, you really need money. So give those parents a call. They can't deny you, you're their child! All of this (meaning: you) is basically their fault. The least they can do in return for making you alive is to give you some money.

You need advice about something. Usually this will be because you found mouse droppings in your kitchen and have no idea whatsoever how to handle this. This is a good time to panic and seriously consider burning your own apartment down. But what you really need is for someone to yell at you and tell you that you're acting like an idiot and just go to the damn store and buy some traps and stop interrupting Jeopardy. This is exactly what grandmothers are best at doing.

You need someone to fix your car. This might be because you've owned this same car for five years and have changed the oil so infrequently that you don't even know where the nearest place is that does that sort of thing for people. Or maybe you were rolling down the car window to light a cigarette and accidentally veered into the center divider on the freeway, causing your car to spin out and slam into a freeway sign. Or something. Uncles and/or older brothers that didn't go to college tend to be the best at fixing broken cars. Give one of them a call and be prepared with a six pack of domestic beer, preferably in cans. Also, get ready to pretend like you're understanding them or even listening when they try to tell you about carburetors or valves or how a car needs oil.

You're in jail. This seems to be the best reason to call your older brother or sister who did go to college. Just remember, as long as you're in for something non-violent, only a horrible family member will not accept the charges for the collect call. Or not offer up the pink slip of their car to the bail bondsman on your behalf. Hold a grudge for a long time against this older sibling until you end up back in jail. Then simply repeat the above steps, ad nauseum.

If you ARE the older brother or sister who went to college,  your degree in Philosophy or Theatre has probably not prepared you for the constant bombardment of problems from your ungrateful family members. You can look for answers in Nietzsche or in the dysfunctional-family dramas of Edward Albee, but it's probably best to just pack up and move to another city with no forwarding address.