Breaking up

Somehow you've sustained a relationship with someone else for longer than a month. Don't congratulate yourself over this, though, because now you're really screwed. Now you have to break up. And this process, whether initiated by you or your partner, is deliciously torturous and should be savored like a bite of rancid venison. 

Why do you have to break up? Well, things are probably going too well, aren't they? And what usually happens when things go really well in your life? That's right, someone dies. 

But one of the most important rules to remember when you're living fraudulently is that things that are hard are bad. And usually avoidable for a while. So, with this in mind, stay in the dangerous relationship you know will destroy you or someone you love for a good while after you decide you need to break up. This will allow you to do awesome things like take out your frustration and resentment by snapping at your partner for no reason. Or maybe even purposely getting drunk enough to mentally excuse making out with three people at a bar, none of whom are your partner, but all of whom know your partner and are maybe even your own coworkers. 

The best part about this approach is that, if your partner has any self respect at all, you'll likely get dumped. Being dumped is always preferable to dumping because you don't have to actually do anything but get destroyed, which is passive and something you're quite good at. 

If you're really unlucky, though, you'll have to take the initiative and break up with the other person. You should take responsibility at this point for everything that was ever wrong with the relationship and do your best to make the other person see that for their own mental and maybe even physical safety they should get far away from you. 

After the break up, you should spend about a month lying to yourself about how great it is to be single and how you hated having someone to answer to and how freedom is so valuable to you. Then you should get blindingly drunk, have awkward sex with your ex and begin to doubt everything you've ever believed about yourself. 

As you can see, breaking up is pretty exhausting. Instead of getting into a relationship with a person in the first place, next time try to remember all the free porn sites you have bookmarked.