Buying stuff

When you make up your mind to purchase something you can't reasonably buy without actually checking your account balance, like electronics, music equipment, or a car, there are several things that should happen. First of all, you should admit that this item is something you don't need, but that it's something you really, really want this week. Convince yourself that you've earned it because your week was shitty (this will almost always be true). Next, tell yourself you'll make up for the cost by cutting all dairy, fruits, and vegetables from your diet for a month, which you calculate will save you roughly $5,000. In the meantime, you'll drink Tang to prevent scurvy.

When you finally go to the store, make sure you've done no research into what a good price is, what specifics you're looking for, or even the actual name of the product. Don't make eye contact with any salespeople, because the answers to the basic burning questions you have regarding this product are probably obvious to everyone but you. In fact, rather than ask for help, just examine the fronts and backs of the competing products for awhile as if you're some kind of expert. If a salesperson does approach you, make sure you spout all the product-specific words you've ever picked up from commercials or ads or comic-strip references. For instance, if you're buying a hi-def TV, ask something like, "So I hear this has...1080 lines of...picture, right? Not 1060b." Then, when the salesperson gives you the look that indicates you did a bad job of faking, ask a few useless questions, like, "Oh, this one is made in China? What about that one?" This will make you appear to understand that where the item was made is important to its quality.

If you're really lucky, or if you're at Guitar Center, the salesperson will also have no idea what he's talking about, and the two of you can enter a competition in which the winner spouts the most impressive-sounding fake sentences.
Salesperson: "So you're looking for the best hi-def TV?"
You: "Yeah. I thought this one looked good. Isn't Audio-Visual Integrity a good brand?"
Salesperson: "It is if you want a shitty system. You might as well just spend the extra $300 and get the one with the quad-core reverb upgrade."
You: "Oh... Yeah? My friend who has that said it kind of sucked."
Salesperson: "Well, does he have the gold-plated EGDI cables that go with it?"
You: "No, he has the BFDD cables, which are supposed to be way better."
Salesperson: "Uhhh... Dude, you can't use BDFF cables with quad-core. The picture will look like garbage."
You: "Not when you have the interchanger, I thought."
Salesperson: "What kind of... interchanger does he have?"
You: "The, uh, one recommended by Consumer Report. With the two...outputs."
(brief pause)
Salesperson: "Hey, you know what looks great on this TV? The IMAX scenes in The Dark Knight."
You: "Yeah! Are you glad they gave the Oscar to Heath Ledger?"
Salesperson: "Well, I mean, he was awesome in that role, but I think they gave it to him just because he died, and it wouldn't have mattered if he was great or not. Which is total BS."
You: "I met Heath Ledger once."
Salesperson: "That's awesome!"
You: "Okay. Yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and buy this one."

After bringing your item home and realizing you're missing several necessary accessories, wait for several weeks, preferably until after the warranty has expired, to try out your item, because you're waiting for sales on the accessories. Make sure you get the accessories for $15 instead of the regular $18, because you didn't even bother comparing prices on your $2,000 item, and since the idea of bargaining cripples you with fear, even in a store where they expect you to bargain, you were happy to pay more than the listed amount for it. Then go out and treat yourself to some fresh orange juice and sushi, because a $20 lunch is nothing next to the amount you just spent.