Christmas time is here

Christmas time is here

Yeah, it is. 

More than any other time of year, this one offers some of the best opportunities for fraudulent living. It also affords an occasion to think about what it means to be alive, fraudulently.

If you're like me, you have no home to go to for Christmas. Or if you do, then it sucks in so many ways. Problems with your parents. That deep dread of having to sit through stories about times past from the uncle with the weird breath. And, of course, inevitable fights. Because how can all these people come together under one roof with all their various lives that used to be intimately connected but now don't share much in common except a last name and expect to regain some non-existent Christmas moment from the past? This is a fucking five-star recipe for strife.

The number one most important thing you must, MUST remember about Christmas, whether you spend it alone or you go back home, is that you should not be able to drive or operate any heavy machinery legally. You should be out of it. Somehow. Most people use alcohol. This is pretty common and accepted and can be done right out in the open with the rest of your self-medicating family. If pills are more your poison, go for it, but be discreet. The worst thing that can happen is for Aunt Ida to smell them in your pocket and then corner you as you come out of the bathroom, shamelessly blackmailing you and sucking up half your stash. You already have enough reasons to hate Aunt Ida.

Dinner should come and go pretty easily since you probably won't be able to eat much. You may get some "What's wrong with you?"s  or even some "Please wake up, your hand is in my food"s, but this is a small price to pay to be able to get through a horrific family dinner without so much as a memory.

But this is all for the people with families to go home to. What about the rest of us who are hoofing it solo on C-Day? Well, it's pretty much the same story. You'll be tempted to feel extra sad on Christmas day, mourning the loss of everything that's good in your life from when you were a child. Just remember that, for the most part, childhood was utter shit. You remember certain things fondly, but mostly just because you didn't have to pay bills and your main worries of that time seem frivolous and, frankly, desirable to you now. Resist this. You were fucking miserable as a child and you know it. So quit pining for some perfect life you never had and that no one ever has. 

You need to get out of your apartment. But first have a drink.

Then, slap yourself, put on some clothes and pretend like you're jewish. Unless you really are jewish. In which case none of this made any sense to you at all.