Summer

Of all the seasons, this is the one you should dread the most. By far. And this is because summer is nothing but a constant reminder of how inadequate your body is. 

Wanna go to the beach? Better buy SPF 208930 for your albino skin. Wanna go to a pool party? Better make sure you get super drunk and high first so you won't care about that awful midsection of yours that has started to fold over on itself like an American automobile company. 

We're fed a lot of propaganda about summer being "fun." You may even hear your friends or coworkers talk about how much they're looking forward to it. This is just something people say. It makes you seem like less of a broken person to the world if you claim to enjoy a double 95 (95 degree heat and 95% humidity).  Somehow, saying you don't like summer strikes other people the same way as saying "I don't like having sex with full-grown adults." 

The summer might seem like a time of renewal, hope, joy and fun. But this was only when you were a kid and didn't have to go to school. Now that you're an adult, nothing changes in the summer except that it gets so hot that you run your inefficient air conditioner all day and night, destroying your energy bill as well as the planet. And you're still hot. You should take at least eleven cold showers a day and start drinking as early as possible. You might think it sounds counter intuitive to drink alcohol, which makes you feel hot, when it's so hot outside that it takes all your willpower not to actually sob over it. Well, you think lots of things that are totally stupid, so just drink up and sit next to your AC until Summer finally passes away and you run back into the sweet, dead arms of Fall and Winter.