Your mood

Your general mood should fluctuate between two basic outward states that can be characterized as: "meh" and "oh, fuck." You should vacillate between these two moods both frequently and pretty much indiscriminately. 

Sometimes, you'll wake up in the morning and have a general sense of "meh." You're tired, but not too tired to actually be miserable from it. You'd rather stay home than go to work, but that's essentially a truism for you. There's nothing spectacularly terrible about the way you feel. You should, at this point, be measuring your well being on a sliding scale between quickly and slowly dying. "Meh" days are on the slow end. They should be spent sending random, unsolicited IMs to your online friends, like, "I took seven Facebook quizzes today." Or, "I really want to be asleep." These days should feel like a fog made of vaporized crap has descended on your face area. But it's a light crap fog. Just enough visibility to make it through your day, but not enough to prevent you from stepping into the inevitable pothole or missing your subway stop.

Other days, you will wake up with the unmistakable feeling of "oh, fuck." When this happens as your first waking sensation, you know that you're in for a doozy of a day! Yay! So just slop on some clothes, skip a shower, and head straight into it. It doesn't matter what you're wearing or if you feel greasy and unshowered -- your day is destined for the toilet no matter what you do! If it's an "oh, fuck" day due to your having some massive presentation at work or some paper due for school that you haven't started yet, then you can sort of calm yourself by knowing that it will all be over soon. But the best is when you wake up with that feeling for no discernible reason at all. In this case, you can tell yourself it will all be over soon, but chances are you will be alive well into your 90s. So. It really won't be over soon. At all.

Throughout most of your days, you should find yourself going back and forth, relentlessly, between your two moods; and the connection these mood swings should have to actual events around you should be as loose as your recent troubling bowel movements. The tiniest things should, if you're living fraudulently, be enough to send you into a shame or rage spiral. Did your sandwich from the deli not have the provolone cheese you clearly asked for? Well, fuck them. And also, fuck everyone else, too. You should torture everyone around you with your awful moods until they've just about had enough. Then you should quickly turn on a fake smile and a feigned joie-de-vivre to reel them back in. When it's safe again and your friends and coworkers have been lulled into thinking you're a cool person, you can, with secret triumph, go back to being that familiar, semi-miserable person living in a permanent poop cloud.