Your body

No matter how skinny, toned, muscly, or just plain average-looking you are, you probably think you're fat. If you don't think you're fat, you should. Look at yourself in the mirror. Do you see that pudgy area? Yeah, well so does everyone else.

The best part about your distorted body image is that no amount of fasting, dieting, exercising or purging will ever change the way your body looks to you. Other people may come up to you and comment on how great you're looking and that they can really tell that you've been working out. But the way you should hear this is: Thank goodness you've finally started to do something about that body. You see, your body is like a semi-nice car. You know that underneath the many layers of dirt film and superficial engine problems, there's actually a decent car there. Except you're the only one that knows that. Everyone else just walks by and writes "Wash Me Please" with their finger in your back window.

Nonetheless, you should torture yourself by continuing to go on diet/exercise binges where you eat nothing but paprika and lemon zest for 12 days while going to the gym twice a day and sitting in the steam room until right before you pass out. Each time you put yourself through this moronic ordeal, you're getting a sweet bonus: not only will you shed a few pounds off your body, but you'll also shave a good few years off your life.