Getting picked up

You were most likely a geek or some other sort of social reject in high school, which means you probably didn't date anyone. Or if you did, it was because you were both desperate, and "dating" was just a euphemism for "studying for Latin midterms." So now that you've grown out of your physical awkwardness and became not blatantly ugly, you still treat people hitting on you like a big deal, no matter how often it happens. It's a similar feeling to when a cashier gives you a twenty as change instead of a dollar. You're both excited and thinking, "This can't be right. They must not be paying attention." You should also have the same serious moral qualms regarding whether to inform them of their huge mistake. "Oh, I'm sorry, you meant to hit on the attractive, nonalcoholic person over there," is what a nonfraudulent person might say. But not you. No, you want the attention, no matter how unwanted it is.

Let's say someone approaches you in the supermarket. They're jaundiced, they're unattractive, they're wearing a mesh shirt with a cutoff tank top underneath that showcases their shoe-leather stomach. They deliver a pickup line that makes no sense but somehow insults you in a deep, meaningful way. You automatically hate them. They ask for your phone number. Your brain responds with, "Ew, no," while your mouth responds with your phone number. You then have to spend the next month not picking up the phone from any unrecognized caller. Also, you're probably the type who attracts people who don't get the message when you don't respond. So basically you're in for weeks of phone calls and steadily worsening, desperate voicemails.

Now, you might be asking yourself why you can't just give a fake number. Or respond with, "No, I'm not interested," or at least, "I'm seeing someone," which would do everyone a favor. Well, firstly, you're a coward. If they call that fake number while you're standing there, you'll be so ashamed at getting caught that you'll probably end up going on a date out of guilt. Secondly, and shamefully, you want this person to like you and think there's a possibility they could have you. As previously mentioned, you need everyone to like you. It doesn't matter that you find them less dateable than margarine; you need to be desired, and if it's by this snaggle-toothed beast of a thing, so be it. In fact, you might as well go ahead and pick up the phone when they call to see what terrible idea this awful person has for a date. Then you might as well go on the date so you can post a status update about how ridiculously bad your date was. Eventually, you'll probably get married in order to entertain your friends with your story of how you got married as a joke. And then, somehow, this will end up being the only successful relationship you'll ever have in your life.