Your appearance

How you present yourself to the world is your key to fraudulence.
There will be moments in life when you believe you're good-looking, but there's a reason for that. You know that ugly friend you have who grows more and more attractive as you talk to them because you've grown used to their third nose and green-tinted skin? Well, you're like your own ugly best friend, only you've had your whole life to adjust to your image in a mirror. Because of this, you might occasionally find yourself strutting around, pimp-like, thinking you're the best-looking human being alive. At some point, though, a friend will show you candid photos of yourself. These inevitably awful photos will destroy any confidence you ever had. Because of course it's not the camera, the angle, or the faces you're making - it's your actual face that's your problem. You're the Vanessa Huxtable to the Denises and Claires of the world.

Try to distract people from your unattractiveness by attempting to be fashionable. Unfortunately, you have no idea what "fashionable" means, but you can always pretend you're one of those people who's so fashionable that they intentionally disregard fashion trends. In fact, because you put kitsch quality on the same level as real quality, go ahead and buy a bunch of the most unflattering shirts and pants you can find. It'll be obvious to everyone that your clothes are excessively ugly, so people will congratulate you on them instead, drawing attention away from the fact that you're gaudier than Michael Jackson's face. As an added bonus, because your entire generation is as fraudulent as you are, your intentionally ugly wardrobe will probably end up coinciding with current fashions anyway.

The important thing to remember is this: Whether you grow a huge beard, wear accessories designed for 8-year-old girls, or cut yourself some thick, grotesquely straight bangs that cover your eyebrows and half your eyes, the purpose of your outward appearance is not to reflect your real self at all. Leave people wondering whether there could be an attractive person hiding underneath the poor hair, clothing, and makeup choices. There isn't, but that enigma will probably get you a couple of fraudulent dates from the same people who would choose the mystery box over the new car. Then, when they end up with a whoopee cushion, they'll only have themselves to blame.

Starting Your Day

Starting Your Day.

So today we're going to look at how you get up in the morning/afternoon and what you can do to try to improve your day from its beginning. These first couple of hours after you slide out of bed or off the couch or from the bathtub are the most critical of your entire day. The decisions you make at this point are going to affect you (and those around you) for the entire day. It's important to take some time to evaluate routines and make sure you're building a solid, sturdy foundation.

After you snooze your alarm several times and finally face the sick truth that you're probably going to have to wake up, what's the first thing you do? It's probably smoke a cigarette, right? I want to first suggest that you consider holding off. I find that if you go to the bathroom first, you avoid the chance that the early-morning cig will work its digestive-track magic and cause you to soil yourself. While shitting yourself is almost never fun, it's an especially awkward way to begin your day.

After you use the bathroom, feel free to light up that delicious morning cigarette. If you don't smoke, then you might want to consider starting.

Now, it's time to eat something. A lot of people just drink coffee in the morning and expect this to sustain them until lunch. This is pretty flawed logic, though, considering that you haven't probably eaten in hours, or even days. They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Usually they're completely wrong, but in this instance, they're right. Eat something. Something big. Take a little extra time in the morning to cook eggs, toast, pancakes or a pie. You may be late to work habitually because of this, but let's be honest, you were habitually late before this and work has likely gotten used to it by now. They'll probably thank you when you come in more energized and smelling of bacon instead of vodka.

What about the shower? Do you do it in the morning or at night? I suggest the morning. Going to bed filthy isn't fun, but going to work without a shower is just going to turn your already miserable day into one that's also physically uncomfortable. Itching your filthy, oily skin under your dress pants or Burger King uniform is only going to get you weird looks from coworkers and customers. And not weird in a cool, David Lynch way, but more of a Michael Jackson's face way. 

If you take a car to work, you should really start taking the train/bus/whatever you have in your city. Relying on public transportation will provide you a good few excuses for being horribly late to work. Also, you'll get that sort of respect from your peers, especially if you live in a city with shitty public transportation, like LA. They'd never do it, but they're happy that you are. This is the kind of goodwill that can be banked and used against them later.

And when you get to work, if at all possible, spend a good, long time doing nothing. Adjust to your new environment. This requires more coffee, banter with coworkers, surfing the internet, checking your personal email, shopping on Amazon, checking your personal email again, going to the bathroom to masturbate or stare at your face in the mirror for a really long time, or just sitting at your desk and holding back your tears.

When you're good and ready, jump in to work and get your day going. If you follow the tips above, you're sure to make it through your day alive enough to go out and get drunk and start the whole thing over again the next morning.