Your impending professional demise

At the end of each work day, you are one work day closer to being fired. So this is sort of bittersweet, because on the one hand, you've made it one more day! You pulled that wool over the world's eyes one more time like a real master wool puller, you. But on the other hand, you're probably going to be alive tomorrow. So, there's that.

If you're doing it right, every work day should be filled with the dread that you're going to massively fuck something up, or that something you've done in the past that was massively fucked up will be discovered. It doesn't really matter if you know you've done something wrong or not. In fact, in most cases, you'll be pretty certain that you've done everything exactly right. You filed that report thing right on time. You touched base with all the right people. You've made sure everyone was tracking. You've even circled back and synergized and looped in and performed other acrobatic wonders. But that's not what matters here. Oh no. What matters is that living fraudulently is like walking across a tightrope that's held on both sides by people that don't really know/like you.

So, since you're bound to be fired sooner or later (sooner), it's best to begin planning (worrying) about how you will survive (become homeless) in your new unemployed situation. You can live without cable by stealing from the Internet, so that's an easy one. You can probably sell a lot of your old stuff, like your video games or jewelry or semen. You can even get by without food for a while. And then there's always food stamps, which you'd never get out of some completely undeserved sense of pride, but just knowing that you could get them is almost as satisfying as a sandwich. The very last thing to cut out of your budget should be your Internet. Why? You'll need it to look for a new job or whatever. But more importantly, what's the point of being unemployed if you can't spend time writing blogs or stalking Facebook or online dating? You might as well just continue having a stupid job so you can use the Internet.

And then it becomes clear why if you ever lose your job, you'll lose your life. It's just the Internet. There isn't anything left of you that isn't tied into the Internet. So, better get back to work and make some $$$ for your Internet connection (entire existence).